So, I haven’t written in a wee while.
That old chestnut about the huge honking elephant in the room is spot on! It overshadows everything and hangs around until you are forced to acknowledge its presence.
This is my wobbly attempt to explain why I am taking a break. Wobbly, because I feel emotionally and creatively stunted. Maybe this will help clear some of that blockage. Who knows, but it’s worth a try.
Over the past few years, I have been slowly losing my husband.
Not to someone else. Not through a lack of commitment, or love, or trying (hard, very hard) – but to the insidious disease that is depression.
Male depression. I differentiate because, I have been learning that there is a profound distinction in the processing, stigmatization and treatment of male depression.
I believe it’s harder for men to reach out, to ask for help, to be vulnerable, and to be tender with themselves.
I know first-hand how futile it feels – constantly attempting to get through to someone whose only way of self-preservation appears to be the erecting of love-proof walls.
That’s all I can say about it. In the eyes of some, I will have already said too much and it’s not my story to tell.
We never truly know what is going on in other peoples lives, do we? We are all either going through stuff, or are deeply affected by someone close to us, who is going through stuff.
What I have been observing is that while my life is far from untroubled, I can still be a professional – turning up for work and being as present as I can manage with my kids.
And if you are going through something similar – All I can suggest is to remain open to it all.
Whether you are swaying with intense agitation – doubts about the immediate future mingling with the peace of knowing that it’s all going to work out fine, somehow….It’s ok.
When you break down with a smile on your face and a hopeful heart.
When it hurts to be open and it hurts to shut down.
Even when you feel frozen and numb – celebrate the fact that you have been provided with excellent survival skills. That’s ok too.
It’s a futile war to fight the flow of your emotions. So allow time and space for them to be felt, processed and released.
It’s like navigating a rush of rapids – everything is flowing much faster than usual …..you might need to cut yourself some slack and step back for a short time.
That’s what I need to do at the moment. And trust me – I’m ok.
These are the words that bring us back to the centre, where we know, at the core of our being, that no matter what is happening in our lives, it is all okay.